rent, va-k, ineffective choices and the flip side

since i was last able to write a full entry i have had to come up with rent by means of borrowing money from my parents, taken a family vacation in st louis during a heat wave, came back from vacation to humidity damaging our garden, still having a very hard time finding work, and last but not least, made a VERY ineffective choice while highly intoxicated that i am still working on accepting over a week later - BUT - even with all of this (all in all) i am HAPPY :o)

see even though the above things have happened (and then some), i am not focusing on the negative. instead this is how it has been "processed" through my mind... ;o)

1)      i had to borrow money last month to afford rent, from my parents. while i did not want this to happen i had not found work yet, rent had to be paid, and i was lucky enough to have parents who had some extra money last month and could help me. i feel blessed and am thankful. in the past i wouldve judged myself, and possibly even then held resentment over having to borrow money, and going forward would have landed up very defensive towards my parents when they brought up the money subject. through the acknowledgement and acceptance process (it is what it is), there is no judgment. i owe them some money, and when things turn around i will pay them back. otherwise... i am just very thankful for the help and them which makes me happy.

2)      my parents, son, and i went to st louis to visit my brother and his family. while they were having a heat wave (105 degrees and humidity), it was wonderful to spend some time with my brother, his daughter and wife. as well it was so very awesome to see friends i have not seen in anywhere from 5-15 years! we went to the zoo, city museum, a friends delish restaurant (harvest stl), beautiful (tower grove) park and fountains (kiddos got to swim), and spent 4th of july with friends who are more like family. while i could complain for days about the heat and how you need a shower even though you have just gotten out of one, or how my joint pain was triggered by the elevation and weather change, or how my son was on a mission to test me to the point of a murder suicide, THAT is not what i chose to remember. i chose to remember the fun and love of the fore mentioned (fun & happy) activities. so thankful for friends and family and the time we had... all of this equals happiness.

3)      i have an indoor garden. anytime you are involved in indoor gardening you have a higher chance for “things” that can destroy/kill your crop. here in colorado we generally have very low humidity levels so when we all of a sudden have a lot of rain and our humidity levels jump, well things like powdery mildew thrive. after our vacation, while thankful we are finally having rain, i came home to our garden having a pretty good dose of powdery mildew. while worried i also reminded myself that i have overcome other obstacles while tending to varying gardens, with help i can conquer this problem. heck - if i can find the strength to move on from an abusive relationship i can muster the strength to not become an emotional mess over a problem in my garden. while i make this sound easy now, i know a few years ago i would have been an emotional mess. a few years ago an important key was missing – coping skills/tools, mindfulness, etc. with this knowledge i feel pride which in turn develops, dare i say… happiness ;o) also, i am so very thankful for my friend who helped me defeat the powdery mildew problem which also brings on happiness.

4)      finding work… not easy, but i also was not pursuing it actively before vacation due to knowing i would be away for a week during a major holiday. once back and getting over my self-pitty/judgment storm, i checked in with potential clients and “employers” and am finally picking up jobs. thankful for each job and sharing my pride with people who have earned the right to hear my story means more happiness is developed. it also creates more pride and confidence which helps me get out there and try to find more clients/work. when one lacks confidence it is very difficult to get out there and sell yourself/business, we have to practice and build pride and self-confidence – it does not just happen. like anything else in life, we must practice that which we want to be effective at every day.

5)      making ineffective choices for mind and body, especially when one has a habit of self-hate, can turn into a vicious shame cycle. since making our move, and my son not being here with me, i have been spending more time out with friends and (here is the ineffective part) in bars drinking. if i was just at the bars socializing with friends without drinking alcohol there would be no problem, but i am drinking and for me i am drinking too much. the most ineffective part is i know by drinking i am only hurting myself due to the effect it has on my body and in turn mind – never mind when i make ineffective choices while under the influence i wake up very unhappy and angry with myself, which if one is not mindful enough to catch starts it’s own shame cycle. our minds and bodies both suffer from intoxication, there is no debating this. what can be debated is the effect it has on each of us and to what degree – some of us “suffer” more so than others. those of us who (no matter how happy and stable we think we are) already struggle with our mind and body need to be more mindful of what alcohol (and drugs) do to our bodies and minds. becoming mindful of your mind and body and how things effect them is crucial to happiness and balance. when we can be mindful enough to catch ourselves making ineffective choices, catch a shame cycle, or the like we can stop REactions from happening and stop things like anxiety, shame, and depression from setting in. combine mindfulness with coping skills and REactions happen less and less, and happiness happens more.


we cannot be “deep” all the time - we need some fun in our lives ;o)

our tips from our St Louis trip:

St Louis Zoo has come leaps and bounds since my high school years, and the new Sea Lion enclosure is pretty awesome! one thing I recommend – during the summer months go before 10 am and get in and out before the heat of the day. also, from what I hear you get discounts if you are an early bird.

Tower Grove Park/Fountains – beautiful park to take the kiddos and cool down in the water during the day. there are playgrounds at the park as well for the kiddos. moms you can hang in the shade of the trees and socialize while the kiddos have tons of fun in the fountains and playgrounds. (even have restrooms right there.)

Harvest Restaurant St Louis is delish! gluten free options, portions that are not too big or too small, seasonal produce used, and when possible produce and meat come from local farms and ranches. friendly, helpful staff and the chef is superb! we will for sure be going back the next time we are in STL!

St Louis City Museum is a must see for anyone in the St Louis area. no matter how old (after all we are only as old as we feel ;o) ALL will enjoy this amazing jungle gym-tree house that in my opinion is a work of art and history. my kiddo would go every day if he could – heck so would i! ;o)

driving to/from STL to/from Colorado is definitely a much “easier” drive when done at night ;o) even with stopping to take naps i will for sure be doing that drive at night from now on.

…and i think with that driving tip we will bring this entry to an end.

live, laugh, love!


Popular posts from this blog

PLEASE do not give up!!!

Self Respect

Anger Management