lots on my mind...

too little time for all that is on my mind... and all that i need to get done.

positives lately:
got my owl tattoo colored in
my son is doing well in school and for most part with homework too :o)
friends from high school are moving out here
picking up more business
fostering a wonderful dog while her owner is on duty (in the navy)
still loving being back in breckenridge

car transmission acting up again a-n-d i hit a concrete post in an underground parking garage :oP
not able to say no as much as i want too or should be when it comes to going out and spending money
so much to do, not able to "buckle down", and there for run out of time (hence too little time)
still getting over my ex - think i am over him and then something comes up to trigger feelings/emotions

i keep hearing and am told that i need to let time heal my broken heart, hurt, anger, fear, pain... i could go on with how i feel after my last relationship ending.
so if time heals, how much time is required?
is there anything i can do to speed up this process?
in psychology u must put in the work, you cannot just wait for a miracle.
i acknowledge & accept what has happened over and over again. each time something comes up in my mind i go through this process. each time i have emotions or feelings in regards to my past relationship and ex i go through the acknowledge & accept process. even with this work, i still have so much pain. so much hurt. so much anger. so much fear. so much heart break.
you may ask, what has happened to bring this up again?
a week or so ago i noticed that my ex's now girlriend has unlbocked me on facebook. she originally bocked me due to the fact my ex convinced her i am a crazy psycho b*tch, as he convinced so many others. why would you unblock someone you are convinced is crazy??? it has brought up fears i have from threats my ex has made against my self and my loved ones in the past. i am sure he doesnt even think of me, but due to the psychological abuse i believe he may come back and follow through on his threats one day - especially when stuff like this happens.
then today i saw a picture of my ex with the skiis i bought him for his birthday earlier this year. at first it hurt, then i felt anger, and then... i dont know what emotion would explain how i felt, but i made a smart ass comment on the picture... i said/typed, "hope he enjoys those skiis i bought him ;o)"
why did/do i feel the need for people to know i bought him those skiis? people know he used me... i am only prooving that, not pointing it out... rather then showing him to be who he is, i am showing myself to be the naive girl you can take advantage of... or atleast that is how my anxiety ridden brain is working through it at the moment.
either way - when will there be no more triggers in regards to my ex?
or will there always be triggers?
what can i do to ease the hurt, pain, anger, fear, heartache?
what can i do to not allow triggers (as discussed above) to effect me so?
all i know is to acknowledge & accept each trigger, emotion, etc - what else can i do?

for now, i chose to move on to another subject... a different, new chapter in my life

my owl tattoo is finished! :o)
this tattoo was a form of therapy for me. a way of starting my next chapter after my relationship with my ex ended.
the arm i chose was my right, which has a tattoo that a friend who passed had on his back. a few of us got his tattoo when he passed as a way of honoring him - happens that the tattoo means honor.
i have lost other people i love since getting this tattoo. instead of getting one for each, i "incorporated" all into my original honor tattoo.
the next tattoo i got was, "deep breaths, acknowledge, accept" - this was my first tattoo therapy session after "the breakup". this acknowledgement & acceptance process was key to "my sanity" and i felt having a daily reminder on me was a great way to start this new chapter in my life.
after getting this tattoo i decided i wanted to go ahead with my rememberance "arm" tattoo theme - meaning that i was looking to do a full sleeve in the "rememberance" theme. this is where the owl idea came from.
"In ancient Egyptian, Celtic, and Hindu cultures the symbolic meaning of owl revolved around guardianship of the underworlds, and a protection of the dead." - http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-owl.html
on top of protecting the dead, the owl also symoblizes:
  • wisdom
  • mystery
  • transition
  • messages
  • intelligence
  • mysticism
  • protection
  • secrets
  • brilliance
  • perspective
  • intuition
  • quick-wit
  • independence
  • power
    i thought this made the owl a perfect center piece to my right arm.
    (i do not have a picture of it since leaving the tattoo studio so i promise as soon as i have a pic i will post here for you all to see my beautiful piece)
    with the owl theme we are also doing mandalas and snowflakes.
    (i am almost thinking of having a seasonal arm... the owl piece we just finished has a sort of fall feel, so i am thinking on my under arm we do winter, then on my lower arm we do spring & summmer.)
    most ask, "what is a mandala?" the meaning of the mandala varies depending on culture, but what can be said is, "The connections that live between us and everything are apparent all around us when we take the time to really look around us, and these connections bring us together and yet we are still unique just like every mandala is unique." (http://www.meaningofmandalas.com/)
    as for snowflakes - i LOVE winter! as well snowflakes, with no two the same, represent individuality. with the calm that falls when snow blankets the ground snowflakes can also symbolize tranquility, peace, and serenity. as well, the clear glassy complexion could typify purity.
    all of my tatttos have meaning. i have not gotten anything without first making sure it represents something in me, in my life, or around me. tattoos help me work through issues... pain. some would call it self injury, i call it tattoo therapy. :o)
    thank you for your patience!
     with that i think we shall end this entry on a lighter note ;o)
    check out my pinterest boards - quotes, funnies, gluten free recipes, sam-e boutique board, summit sustainable services board, biz help, things i love and MUCH more!
    also, if you have not lately, check out the sam-e boutique clearance section (http://www.sam-eboutique.com/clearance.html), and sam-e boutique etsy store (http://www.etsy.com/shop/sameeboutique). if you do not see what you are looking for contact me today for your custom order - holidays are right around the corner!
    if you are in summit county, colorado, check out summit sustainable services for your housekeeping, child & pet care, house sitting needs, and much more! (http://summitsustainable.weebly.com/)

    hmmmm think that is all that is on my mind... for now ;o)
    until next time,
    live, laugh, love! 


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