been a hot minute...

how are all of you?
i am... exhausted. mentally and physically. much has happened since i have been able to write... even during the period i last wrote.
where shall i start... ?

ok, so mid-late december i started dating a guy, let us call him d.b.
d.b. and i started off, like many, in the "honeymoon" phase. he could do no wrong in my eyes. then i started noticing how judgmental he was. next it was his coldness towards my recovery process from the abuse of my previous relationship. and then i noticed his tendancy to try and control me (in varying ways, not always the typical and what one would think). along with this, though embarassing to discuss, i was not sexually satisfied. due to trying to push these issues aside, hoping for the best, wanting things to work more than anything... factors led me to cheat on d.b. - something i swore i would never to do someone as i have been cheated on (more than once), and never wanted to hurt someone in that way. b-u-t when you do not address the issues at hand... well, we can land up doing things/making choices we never dreamed or imagined - whether effective or ineffective choices.
i broke his heart... and i broke up with him right away (the morning after actually. and yes, i know i am an a**hole for doing this to d.b. i cannot change it, only learn from it.). 

from here i started dating the guy i cheated on d.b. with. let us call him b.p.
things were going really well. we got along. my close friends actually liked him. and then...
b.p. got drunk, became jealous, and then when i got home, b.p. tried to choke me out/beat me up. he then proceeded to send text after text calling me horrible names - this went on for two days. since we live in a small town, and i have been here for approx 15 years, my "family" here rallied to make sure he knew he could not get away with something like that again. he lost his job, was 86'ed from numerous restaurants/bars in town, and lost friends and opportunities here... i was broken after almost 72 hours of (physical and) "verbal" (via text) abuse. mentally... emotionally.
approximately 2 weeks later i recieved a facebook message genuinely apologizing for what he had done and letting me know he had quit drinking - i decided to give him a second chance, as a friend. long story short, we went right back to where we had ended before the weekend of the fight. due to how fast i had fallen for him, and knowing i myself have made mistakes in life, i gave him a second chance that i now realize i should never have given - another learning lesson. i am now walking away from him due to the fact that even though he had quit drinking, he is still jealous and controlling. he has gotten mad at me multiple times, since we resumed our relationship, for not replying to him right away, going out with friends, and for partying (twice in 2 weeks). i dont want to walk away, but i need to walk away - for both of us. we are not healthy for each other. and obviously i bring out things in him that are not... so nice.
on top of these relationship trials and tribulations, i have a very close friend, like a brother, who i dont know how to say no to, and i am now $1500 in the hole - not happy. but also my mistake. now i am playing catch up and though stressful, a valuable life lesson. let us hope i learn from it and do not repeat.
as well, the other night d.b. decides to text me (while obviously drunk) that my "hair looks like sh*t, unless i am a lesbian, which then he feels bad for ryder... oops, you are a lesbian."
very hurtful. very juvenile. very judgmental.
(b-u-t i did break his heart... so i feel he has some right to get his hurt out - even if he is hurting me. friends do not agree, but it is what it is. again, a life lesson.)
and, last but not least, all of a sudden i can see my abusive ex on facebook - photo tags etc. i am going to make sure we still have eachother blocked, and if not, fix that.
(i am still not over what he did to us (though forgiven, we still have to work through the "after effects" of what we went through those 5 years), and have realized, i will always love him. due to this, i do not want to see him, know what he is doing, etc. i just want him totally out of our lives... i am realizing that unfortunately, this will probably never happen. so now i am trying to figure out how to keep moving on and healing while having to "see" him and know some of what he is doing. another life lesson.)
i do not think i could have summed up this post better then the picture i posted above.
i do have more to write about, but not the same "topic" as i have been in the post, so i will write another post.
hoping this post has helped someone out there... that is why i share my life with all of you.
again, i am sorry it has been so long since my last post.
until next time...
live, laugh, love!


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