I cannot believe May was the last time I was able to post... once again, so many apologies!
In the last 5 months life has been a roller coaster ride. Rather than getting my life back together as I had hoped, somehow I managed to take even more steps backwards in my recovery... not that it was all ineffective, but there were enough ineffective choices made that the end result of it all is not a positive one. Maybe though, rather than look at positive or negative, I should see that this is how the universe meant for things to happen...
Through the summer, due to my son spending most of it with his father as well as my parents wanting time with him, I worked as much as I could. The reason for doing this instead of enjoying the summer was to make and save money... problem was, the more I made, the more I spent... on partying and self medicating.
My belief is many of us think we are coping with the stresses that are part of life, but in reality are not. When this happens (another personal belief), we tend to be in an emotional mindset we don't even realize until, unfortunately, it is too late. For myself, I know once the snowball effect has started it is extremely difficult to put the breaks on... to be present... mindful. When in an emotional mindset, and we realize the snowball effect has begun, we start saying things like, "I will try to do this," or, "I will try not to do this," as at this point we usually feel all we can do is try... not realizing we are only setting ourselves up for failure.
Once we see that we are in an emotional mindset we need to "do" - there is no try. Only do. Try generally means not ready to do... Not ready to accept what is. If we are not ready to "do", things will not be done, and then we only leave ourselves open for more personal let down.
This is what happened to me this summer. I kept saying I woud try, but because I was in emotional mindsets that for whatever reason(s), (I) wouldn't allow me to see the state as it was... (with worsening anxiety and depression) it took hitting rock bottom before I could acknowledge and accept everything that had happened and was happening for what it was and is.
...I am currently working my way out of my deep, dark, hole of (what I feel are) ineffective emotions.
Not wanting to bore you with details, I won't tell you what all conspired the last 5 months... Though I will say this...
In the last year and a half of moving back here I have taken the equivalent of steps backwards in my (mental/emotional/physical) recovery, BUT with that said I also need to mention the keys to why I am not letting this destroy me as I once would have...
Everything in life is meant to help teach us something or help us grow.
The ability to come back from the depths builds strength, and if we allow, we will not build resentment and ill feelings, but rather become more at peace with our ability to change what we are able to change, and accept what we cannot change.
When life throws rocks, boulders, or even mountains at you, catch them! Catch them, acknowledge them, and if you can, throw them back. But if you are not able to thrown them back, accept them all for what they are (not what's fair or right). Then, move on and be the most effective person you can be for you.
A-n-d if life throws more rocks, boulders, or mountains... which it will, you know what you have to do.
Let us all take a deep breath... or 2... or 3 ;o) and acknowledge what is. Accept what is. And move the heck on!
Baby steps towards a more effective, and brighter future!
Until next time friends...
Live. Laugh. Love. ♥