Like another person

The other night my Bipolar alter came out... there is a person within me that comes out when I feel highly threatened, hurt or similar... IT attacks violently... and acts much like a hurt child... very primal in a way...
The other night when my boyfriend told me some news that was "the straw that broke the camels back", my alter came out, and the episode was not pretty...
This is the first time I am truly able to remember what IT felt like... and for my normal self, IT was like watching and having no control over what I was doing... Like someone else was in control of my body... IT was like watching a film someone made of me... or maybe like being in a dream; I should say, nightmare... I was not in control... IT was not me.. IT was and is scary as hell to me, and those around me. My parents have always told me when these episodes happen IT's like another person and the me they know is gone. I now know what they mean. I have truly met IT now.
In the last 24 hours I have contemplated suicide... but know that would kill my loved ones... the one person who can help me right now won't speak to me, and I don't blame him... and if I was to hospitalize myself my son might have to go live with his dad, and that would destroy my son... I am exhausted; mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have no fight left in me... I am officially at a loss... No amount of acceptance can help me now. Facts are: no matter what I do my mental illness always lands up in control. And I'm sick of hurting others and myself. So my solution right now? Hide. If I'm not around anyone, I(T) can't hurt anyone.


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