One more twist and turn...

What do you say when the person you are in love with tells you they should not have come back after your last episode? How are you supposed to feel?
...I feel heart broken. But there is no surprise. How can I blame him?
Since I owned the episode that made me realize there is more to my mental illness then I had realized previously we had another mini episode... the man I love has been drunk since the "original" episode, and due to this another came on... though I did manage to gain control this time... once again scary, but I fought like hell for control of my mind this time and it worked :-) anyhoo, He has made continual selfish chocies since. And then revealed much to me tonight while drinking yet again.
Our demons trigger one and another. But our experiences and acceptance of our own issues allows us to love each other like others can not... but the cost is that while we figure this (all) out we are making our own struggles, and in turn our relationship struggles more difficult... is it worth it? Is it worth challenging ourselves and each other at this cost?
Weekly, sometimes daily I give him the option to leave. I have tried to break up with him, kick him out, all to no avail. But now he questions his choice... "the alter me episode" has him questioning his love and us more then ever...
All I can do is wait on the sidelines while the man my heart belongs to figures out whether or not he can be with me - and not just because of my buddy bipolar. Between the two of us we have enough issues to keep a psychiatric ward busy for a lifetime ;-) - there is much to consider.
What is making it harder for me... he admitted a day or so before Christmas he "blew Christmas" due to (in my words) drinking his money away (because our relationship/my episode...). While I considered his gift to me him enjoying Christmas with me (and my family), he revealed tongiht via so many words that he has hated it/been miserable... He has also now ensured my birthday (that is Tuesday) will be like every other year - missed. this point emotional exhaustion is setting in, as well as depression (and probably some self pitty), and the combo is making it all that much worse - there aren't even any tears left for it...
Guess 36 will be like every other birthday - uneventful and unloved by those who aren't blood. ...such is life of a rapid cycling bipolar 1 with a conglomerate of co occurring diagnosis...
One more time to practice Acknowledgement & Acceptance...

Until next time,
Live. Laugh. Love.


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