Showing posts from February, 2016

Best Friends

I am so blessed to have a couple of amazing people in my life whom are my best friends.
Thank you for being my people! ♡

Mental Illness & Alcohol

For those with Mental Illness, alcohol can be our worst enemy. Yet many of us continue to self medicate with alcohol even though we know it's only making symptoms and/or problems worse for us.I am one of these people.
The last year I worked very hard to get my drinking under control. Got it down to only going out maybe a couple times a month to socialize with friends; sometimes only once a month.
If you follow this blog you know that even though I managed this, the few times I was drinking I landed up with black outs, what my loved ones call my "Alter Sam's", and in the end I lost someone I love and our relationship.
Since my boyfriend moved out I have made the ineffective choice to drink almost every day/night. 
Why??? Whether now or the last year, obviously drinking in any quantity is a horrible choice for me (especially if I am not 100% happy in my sober life). So why do I do it?
Two reasons. 1) Self medication. 2) I am an addict.
Everyday I dislike myself mor…

Bipolar; When Creativity Ebbs Have Patience

I was so very happy to see I am not alone on this, and see the issue being addressed.
Read here:

"I should love myself"

" being free, I can see that constantly trying to fix this is the thing that’s been killing me slowly. And I don’t want to do it any more and I don’t want to fix us anymore. Maybe instead of loving you so hard I should be myself for a while. I should love me..."
Callie Torres, Grey's Anatomy I know it seems cheesey, but damn that show has a lot of great quotes to help one in many aspects of life & love. Feel like every time I watch all the seasons again I find more nuggets of TV life advice ;-) :-) But on a more serious note, this really hit home for me and what I have gone through this last year. And more importantly, recently. Until next time,
Live. Laugh. Love.

What is Seeking Safety Therapy?

About Seeking Safety from the Seeking Safety Official Site:
Seeking Safety is an evidence-based, present-focused counseling model to help people attain safety from trauma and/or substance abuse. It directly addresses both trauma and addiction, but without requiring clients to delve into the trauma narrative (the detailed account of disturbing trauma memories), thus making it relevant to a very broad range of clients and easy to implement. Any clinician can conduct it even without training as it is an extremely safe model; however, there are also many options for training. You can access reviews of the Seeking Safety book by Marsha Linehan, Aaron Beck, and others; download a book chapter that summarizes the model, and access examples of full chapters (topics). There is also a brief summary about Seeking Safety.  Seeking Safety was begun in 1992 under grant funding from the National Institute on Drug Abuse.  It was developed by Lisa M. Najavits, PhD at Harvard Medical School and McLean…


With my therapist thinking PTSD is causing more problems for me right now, I wanted to refresh my memory on the disorder. Thought I would share some of the info I am reading with you. The more we know, the more we can help ourselves and/or others.From
Medicine Net
The following three groups of symptom criteria are required to assign the diagnosis of PTSD in the context of an individual who has a history of being exposed to an actual or perceived threat of death, serious injury, or sexual violence to self or others that does not involve exposure through media unless that is work related:Recurrent re-experiencing of the trauma (for example, troublesome memories, flashbacks that are usually caused by reminders of the traumatic events, recurring nightmaresabout the trauma and/or dissociative reliving of the trauma): In children, this may include repetitive play about the trauma.
Avoidance to the point of having a phobiaof places, people, and experiences that remind the sufferer of the tr…

That's Life


Helping myself; It is ok to need help

Though I know only I can help me, Me isn't strong enough right now. The Me right now needs help. And the only thing I need to accept right now is that is ok.
Needing help is ok. It does not make us weak or a burden. It shows strength to ask for and take help. And those whom love you will not make you feel like a burden.
With that, I need to conjure up a little more strength; need to accept this process, and myself again... and then maybe I can love myself again...
one thing at a time ♡
Until next time,
Live. Laugh. Love.

Too much unknown to know

Ugh This whole process is becoming a bit much for me; so thankful friends have stepped up to ensure I don't step down.
(For those whom don't follow please see previous posts for full story. I share and own my story here on this blog.) I need to remember that there is much that is unknown about me still. We are only scratching the surface, allowing the therapist to get an idea of what they are working with...
And it seems we are working with my blackouts and considering they could actually be alter personalities, but there is no way to know without delving into my past sexual, physical, psychological abuse... though the therapist I saw yesterday mentioned wanting to try EMDR Therapy first:
"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment a…

One foot in front of the other

This week has been full of effective choices and ineffective.
While I got in to see a therapist Monday, got on a med for anxiety & depression, made an appointment to see a therapist this afternoon, did intake to see a psychiatrist, and am supposed to start a group for abused women Monday, and a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group Tuesday; I also made the ineffective choice to drink twice this week... not smart, and (due to some things that came to light yesterday) landed up triggered again. Once again, my own worst enemy.
Why do I drink when I know it will only make me feel worse overall?
Usually for me it's either to be social (helps me overcome my anxiety and fact I am introverted), or drink away my problems - which backfires about 80% of the time as alcohol is a depressant.
Thankfully I had it in me to cut myself off yesterday. My son was fed by 7 pm (he had to stay late after school and then played with a friend for a bit). I was in bed by 9 pm, and up at 6 am with my …

Ava Anderson Non Toxic soon to be...


One breath at a time

Right now I am going one breath at a time. People keep telling me why I should fight for me, but when you know you will be a burden to those around you whether you are happy or not... makes it hard to want to fight.My boyfriend and I parting ways is not why I am in this place, per se. It was just the final trigger for a major episode that has been waiting to happen.
A year ago today I was more stable, but now know not as healthy as I believed.
In the last year of being with the man I love we have been through one hell of a roller coaster ride. (See previous posts for more of the journey.)
Being together we helped eachother grow in so many ways, but I also regressed due to how much effort I put into helping my best friend and lover; lost myself in trying to help him find himself.
The first 6 months were almost easy... probably because he wasn't working. And due to our living circumstances, it was easier to keep him, and I, away from alcohol.
In the last 6 months of helping him w…

When things are too broken...

I have shared some of my last year with you. Not everything as I have to keep some things personal for the health of my personal relationships. Even the limited amount I have shared over the years has caused me interpersonal relationship issues. But I keep writing as owning my story truly does help me cope... and those who can't accept it; those who can't handle someone possibly figuring out whom I am talking about; those who think it's sad/pathetic or any other negative connotation I say to you - walk a mile in my shoes. Go through almost 30 years of trying to figure out whom you are, how to cope (even before you knew what coping was), how to love without the burdens of your past, how to live without the burdens of your past, how to breathe.... then tell me that finding something like blogging is negative...
But that's not the point of this post. I am here to own what has happened since I last owned my story.
With that, I may need a little more time to get my thought…

February at Ava Anderson Non Toxic

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