One breath at a time
Right now I am going one breath at a time.
People keep telling me why I should fight for me, but when you know you will be a burden to those around you whether you are happy or not... makes it hard to want to fight.
My boyfriend and I parting ways is not why I am in this place, per se. It was just the final trigger for a major episode that has been waiting to happen.
A year ago today I was more stable, but now know not as healthy as I believed.
In the last year of being with the man I love we have been through one hell of a roller coaster ride. (See previous posts for more of the journey.)
Being together we helped eachother grow in so many ways, but I also regressed due to how much effort I put into helping my best friend and lover; lost myself in trying to help him find himself.
The first 6 months were almost easy... probably because he wasn't working. And due to our living circumstances, it was easier to keep him, and I, away from alcohol.
In the last 6 months of helping him with his depression, anger, resentment, and alcoholism, some of my scarier bipolar symptoms made themselves known to us, and more importantly, me. (Living with an alcoholic made me get my drinking under control... problem is the few times I did drink we never knew if I would have a bipolar blackout, and if I did, what personality would come out... this would be one of the scarier symptoms we realized.)
Fast forward to January,
This man I continue to chose to love and be with, well his alcoholism was at its worst. And while he was realizing it, I could tell this wouldn't be our last rodeo; even though he landed up in the ER due to withdrawal symptoms and then Detox to be monitored.
One of the reasons he realized how bad things were? He saw how his drinking was effecting his job... a job he loved.
Once out of detox his job let him go. We knew this might happen, as well I feared because I knew this would make his depression and resentment worse. And it did.
It seemed like he was cursed by Murphys Law for a few weeks... we had to walk on egg shells at home... and I felt hated by this man I love so much.
Then, lucky us, my wonderful bipolar mood cycles that are associated with my PMS/Menstrual cycles started. During this time he decided to start a job I told him would come between us working on things... and come his first day, I was right.
What came next was a snowball effect. Because of my inability to cope currently (due to letting myself slip and) being in the middle of a mixed manic - depressive episode; we imploded.
This parting, him moving out is not why I am in the place I am, (again) per se. It was just the straw that broke the camels back, as the saying goes.
And since the straw broke the camels back, it has really hit home that whether I am happy or sad; healthy or unhealthy, I am and always will be a burden to those in my life. Between my mental & physical diagnosis that are all life long conditions, the problems, stress, pain and similar are never going away. My loved ones will always have to bare the burden of my illnesses, even when they are maintained/stable. This is why I am stuck in a horrible depression & anxiety cycle. This is why I believe everyone would be better off without me. But I won't do anything drastic as I know how much it will hurt those who actually care about me. No matter how much I believe it would be less pain over time and over all for them.
...just taking one breath at a time.
Until next time,
Live. Laugh. Love.