Too much unknown to know

Ugh This whole process is becoming a bit much for me; so thankful friends have stepped up to ensure I don't step down.
(For those whom don't follow please see previous posts for full story. I share and own my story here on this blog.)

I need to remember that there is much that is unknown about me still. We are only scratching the surface, allowing the therapist to get an idea of what they are working with...
And it seems we are working with my blackouts and considering they could actually be alter personalities, but there is no way to know without delving into my past sexual, physical, psychological abuse... though the therapist I saw yesterday mentioned wanting to try EMDR Therapy first:
"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches." (
My personal opinion continues to be that I need to be hospitalized... but there really aren't any facilities around here...

The group therapy called Seeking Safety (for abused women/women with addictions) that they want me in has not yet started, so the therapist is going to begin working the program with me individually. Yesterday I came home from therapy with reading & worksheet homework for both Seeking Safety and the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group I will be going to on Tuesday's.
What is Seeking Safety and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?
Seeking Safety is an evidence-based, present-focused counseling model to help people attain safety from trauma and/or substance abuse. It directly addresses both trauma and addiction, but without requiring clients to delve into the trauma narrative (the detailed account of disturbing trauma memories), thus making it relevant to a very broad range of clients and easy to implement. (
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a cognitive behavioral treatment that was originally developed to treat chronically suicidal individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and it is now recognized as the gold standard psychological treatment for this population. In addition, research has shown that it is effective in treating a wide range of other disorders such as substance dependence, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and eating disorders. (
I have been through DBT twice before, but unfortunately let all I had learned go to the way side, and now 4 years later and am back at square one... if I had only gone to the groups and continued my individual therapy we wouldn't be where we are now... such is my life... my very own worst enemy.

Right now, (and as I have mentioned in blog posts since first realizing the blackouts were more than me drinking too much,) it's scary as hell mulling over the possibility that you may have alter personalities... it is also scary as hell to ponder the thought that these blackouts may "just" be bipolar rage/mania/ptsd and in turn I "see red/black"... either way it is scary to know you do not have control of your brain, in turn actions, and scarier is the chance of what could happen to you or someone else because of these episodes; whether alters or blackouts.
...more reason I believe hospitalization is the answer for me currently...

There is just too much still unknown to know. I need to not ruminate and cause myself more suffering, more guilt, more self hate. ...much easier said than done...

Until next time,
Live. Laugh. Love.


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