When things are too broken...
I have shared some of my last year with you. Not everything as I have to keep some things personal for the health of my personal relationships. Even the limited amount I have shared over the years has caused me interpersonal relationship issues. But I keep writing as owning my story truly does help me cope... and those who can't accept it; those who can't handle someone possibly figuring out whom I am talking about; those who think it's sad/pathetic or any other negative connotation I say to you - walk a mile in my shoes. Go through almost 30 years of trying to figure out whom you are, how to cope (even before you knew what coping was), how to love without the burdens of your past, how to live without the burdens of your past, how to breathe.... then tell me that finding something like blogging is negative...
But that's not the point of this post. I am here to own what has happened since I last owned my story.
With that, I may need a little more time to get my thoughts together. Right now how I feel... umm yes I'm so corney that I am going to use a TV show quote :-/
"Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me. So I'm asking you, if you don't see a future for us, if you're not in this... Please... please just end it because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."
Derek, Grey's Anatomy
And here is me... (actual texts I sent to my best girlfriends desperately reaching out. And thankfully for me, they were there for me with guidance.)
I know suicide is not the answer, but I really am exhausted. Sick of being a burden and hurting people. Sick of being hurt. I'm so tired... and I just don't know if I can't fight anymore....
And I know it's a choice... right now I don't have the strength to choose to fight... you know I won't end my life because of what that'd do to my son... but I don't know I have it in me to fight for me anymore...
Between the mental and physical pain I'm so tired.
(Not in a text; just me)
I'm at a loss. Realizing how sick I am the last few months; realizing that despite my efforts I will always be sick; realizing I am a burden to my family & friends; realizing you're too broken for anyone to spend their life with you...
I don't know that I have it in me to do anything more then "the motions"...
Call me weak. Call me a quitter. Call me selfish; I have done the same to those whom give up. It is a choice. But I now know (again) why people give up. Why people decide to end the pain; to not only relieve their personal pain, but more so the pain they feel they inflict on others.
I thought I had come so far... but I am choking down that gigantic pill that is called Pride and I am suffocating on it.
This women in front of you is still a scared little girl that has been raped, abused, used, and holding onto all the hurts that have been done to her - no matter what she has convinced herself of otherwise.
Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe I have just forgotten how to love myself for a time. But whatever it is, right now, I'm exhausted, and I'm done fighting.
Until next time folks,
(Do your best to)
Live. Laugh. Love.